Just the Same Ol'

Not much has been going on this week, except my brain is going a bit nuts. My friend and sorority sister posted something on her Instagram that said something like "You aren't healing to handle trauma. You've handled trauma. You are healing to handle the joy." That.. was honestly a gut punch. Part of what I've been struggling with is how nice it's been being with someone who wants to be with me. I'm not used to this. I'm used to being shoved aside, excuses as to why we can't hang out, wondering if there's space for me in someone's life, and feeling like I'm crazy for caring about them. The trauma... I'm used to the trauma. So what am I worried about? I'm afraid that I'm going to sabotage my relationship because I'm scared of how great everything is. Hence, not being able to handle the joy. My fella has done nothing to make me wonder where I stand in his world, he makes time for me, he tells me where I stand in his life, he is amazing and I'm crazy about him... so of course I'm afraid I'm going to lose him! I think that only time and subsequent healing will help me believe that its OK, I can handle the joy and moreover, it's ok to be happy in a relationship. It's ok to be in love, ok to trust my man, ok to lean on him sometimes, and ok for us to take care of each other. Comfort in our relationship will come in time... as long as we continue to work together to build a strong relationship, which we have both committed to. We got this. Hehe 😁 

So we had a good weekend. First I made us an oktoberfest feast, since I've been craving it. Then we had lunch with his family at Twisted Root, which was amazing. Then we found a Paris Baguette, and a spirit halloween! We also watched Sleepy Hollow at his place while we cuddled with his kitty. It's interesting that his family is all close so they can get together without months of planning in advance. Lol. They seem to like me, which is nice, and I like them, which bodes well for the future. 

The bestest kitty.

So this week I'm making pasta for the leftovers. I'm still working out, usually hitting the gym 2-4x a week. I also got some yoga DVDs to help with the stress. I don't think I've lost any weight, but I do feel stronger and I'm carrying myself better (standing straighter, feeling like my arms look better, etc). I am also slowly upping my weights, so I am making progress even if my weight isn't going anywhere. Work-wise, I've got some fairly exciting things happening this week, which I will report on once I know for sure. I'm hoping for good juju. Still attempting to focus on the NOW and not get all stressed out with the COMING SOON stuffs. 

Thank goodness the weather is supposed to cool down a bit, and spooky season is just around the corner!!! The fella and I are thinking we could be peanut butter and jelly, or Jason and camp counselor, tho I also found a lamp and a moth which made me laugh. Hehe. Whatever we do, it will be fun. Thanks for sticking with me, reader. Some day I'll believe that its OK to be happy. I don't know if I'll ever not be afraid of losing the good things in my life tho... after all, nothing lasts forever. Tho perhaps I'll get to where I can accept the inevitable regarding these things... I mean, I've accepted it in other contexts. Anyway, hugs and love friends.