I am enraged that the release of the files hasn't lead to any arrests, prosecutions, or any real consequences. Yes, some people have "stepped down" from their positions, but for me that isn't enough. I am holding on to the hope that lawyers are going through all that filth and building cases against those who partook in the exploitation of any child. ALL of them, no matter their position in government or business. I'm afraid it's going to degenerate into a he said/she said screaming match in court, but I want there to BE a day in court. I want the men brought down and the women who helped them to prey on other women brought down with them. I am beyond disgusted by the lack of accountability these people have been held to, and God do I want to see them held accountable.
I mean, at least the UK arrested former prince Andrew.
Now, do I know that this kind of thing has happened all throughout human history? Yes. Do I know that the problem isn't just these men at this time? Also yes. I am aware that human trafficking, including sex trafficking still happens. That sex tourism is a huge industry that preys upon anyone that it can, including small children. I know the problem is that as long as there is demand for this kind of thing, someone, somewhere will manage the supply. I know that bringing down this one, massive ring is still just a drop in the bucket. Really, I am aware of all of this. And that's why I am struggling SO HARD with this. How do I continue to pay taxes and live a 'good' life knowing that I'm contributing to the society that exploits people? (Yes, i know in some way we are all exploited in our lives, usually by being underpaid at menial jobs to keep business owners happy.) How do I vote for anyone after congress votes to keep themselves safe? Someone said that if we were to prosecute everyone in the files then our whole system would collapse? Good. Do it. If this is the system that let epstein build his empire, protected him (until even they couldn't anymore), and STILL won't prosecute his clients then BURN IT. BURN IT DOWN. I've been trying to spend my $ at companies that treat their people well, but I know I've given some of my money to companies with high ranking people on that list. That sickens me.
As I've been struggling with all this, I've also been listening to Hallow where they are using the brothers Karamazov as their Lenten reading and meditation. It's been an amazing pick because some of the brothers are struggling with the same things I am. And as always, they hit the spiritual issues on the head. My problem is all the things that I want to see come of this. My disappointment is that I haven't seen the repercussions yet, and I may never see them. My only path is to trust in God. I have to trust that he's got this. This and all the hidden trafficking and horribleness of the world. I have to trust in his justice, his timing, his plan. And I have to accept that I am not meant to understand all of the things. I'm not even meant to understand my place in all of this. All I can do is trust, and it doesnt seem enough. That is my pride. My sin. What a great time to realize this, during Lent.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight
Proverbs 3:5-6
I'm trying Lord, I'm trying. Part of me still wants to know that they will be suffering for all eternity... but the whole basis of salvation is forgiveness not being based on merit. Sincere repentance could lead those monsters to heaven. That is the gift of God and again, not something I am meant to fathom. I can't even try. So I'm going to live my little life, go to work, pay my taxes (uuuugh... that finance more oil wars but whatever... I'm so tired of this BS), love my family and friends, and pray. Pray for the state of the world, pray for those who are exploited and their families, pray for those suffering sexual violence of any kind, pray for those who are mourning, those who are hurting, and those who, like me, have rage and no real way to turn it into action. I can be a light to my own little community, but I don't think I'm called to light the world on fire.
Of course, maybe I am. I've been struggling fo really delve deep in my prayer life because (as always) I'm scared of what the Lord may ask of me. I'm afraid He will ask for more than I am willing or able to give. I'm afraid He will change my life in unforeseen ways and I'll lose people that I hold dear as a result. My priest gave a homily last Sunday about staying in the darkness of fear, pride, and confusion. I thought "but the dark asks for nothing. The Lord, the light, asks for everything." The difference, of course, is the Lord wants everything in love and for love. For your good, the good of the world, and the good of those you love. The darkness keeps you from that. So be courageous and be the light (was the message). Another thing to struggle with this Lent (and beyond, let's be honest).
So in this dumpster fire of knowing that society is being run by people who will wage (another) oil war to (they hope) distract the public from the heinous acts they have (likely) committed, while they also (apparently) believe this will help bring Jesus back (cuz why not, he obviously needs the help, I mean it's been 2000 years already) but at least one has already said they were gonna make SO much money off of this (saying the quiet part out loud now), I am trying to trust that the Lord has got this, not think of how my life contributes to the fire (which is still killing the ecosystem we need to survive -don't get me STARTED on AI data centers and THEIR polluting issues), try to let go of my pride, fear, and confusion, and somehow try to be a light to the world from my little corner of TX. While staying employed. Gee, I wonder why I've had the morbs lately 🙄
Anyway, my soapbox moment turned into a introspective moment that showed where my spiritual weaknesses lie. As St Teresa of Avila once said to the Lord, "this is why no one likes you!" Peace be with you, friends, and I'll try to find some, too. Hugs and love and light from my little corner of the world to yours. 🔥🥰
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