New year, same me

I've been struggling with one of the voices in my head.  We are not in volcanic rage mode, but we are at a slow bleeding of emotions and hurt that I have no idea how to reconcile and heal.  So this is going to be one of those 'laying my heart open' posts that I find therapeutic, and I have no idea how you process it (except I'm pretty sure some of you pray and trust me, I appreciate it).

My continued single-dom is well known and often celebrated.  The flip side of it is the fact that every guy I've been romantically interested in (going back at least 10 years) have in some way rejected me and ended up with another woman.  Now I need to tell you, I didn't really see myself marrying any of these guys.  I'm not wishing I could get back together with any guy from my past.  However, I can't stop hearing a whispering voice asking why I've never been 'good enough' for a guy.  At a certain point, it's really hard not to take constant rejection just a little personally.  Fast forward to now, I notice myself getting hurt when people make it obvious that other things are more important than spending time with me.  The question is - what do I do with this?!  I'm not going to go off on someone because I don't feel like I'm enough of a priority in their world... and in some cases that is hugely irrational because work really should come first.  We all have to make a living, right?!  It's incredibly frustrating, and it's also totally understandable.  I can't get angry at someone for doing what they need to in order to live!

So what did I do?  I reached out to a friend and let them know that I'm feeling a bit... off... and vulnerable.  You know what happened?  We have a hang-out scheduled.  I'm looking forward to trying to sort thru some of this with a friend over burgers and brews.

Perhaps that's the lesson I need to learn - to reach out to others when I'm in need.  I do get too into my own head - the spiral of 'you weren't good enough then, you'll never be good enough, don't force yourself on some poor pets who don't know what a crap person you really are, just move somewhere as a hermit and let the world get on without you' that threatens to truly drive me crazy.  For the most part, I know that there really isn't anything fundamentally wrong with me.  But about halfway down that spiral, it's really hard to keep telling myself that.

Figured it out - soul crushing loneliness exacerbated by people having busy lives and my own inferiority complex that keeps me from asking for companionship and gets me started on the spiral.  It's like in Korea each rejection is like a drop in a bucket and eventually the bucket overflows (there may have been tears on Sat).  I really need to get better at a) recognizing my loneliness b) reaching out to friends during the week c) making weekend plans and d) accepting invitations to group hang outs.  I do like being alone, but holy schnikes it can have some nasty effects after a month of staying home on weekends (some of those were because of sickness, but not all).  S told me that there's a line in the Witcher where one character says 'I just want to matter to someone' and boy, that hit the nail on the friggin' head.  Romantically or not, everyone needs to feel like they matter to someone.

Listening to Godsmack and they also help - Sully knows the feels.
"Running in circles

Confusion is calling my name
Hiding inside of this poisoning madness again
I'm tired, I'm broken
I'm walking along with the dead
Will I ever feel like I once did?"

Anyway, I did get a decent bacon cheeseburger this weekend.  And a few good brews.  So life is good.  I have 1 week of work, then a day of work, then MY SEESTER IS HERE!!  I found the tourist map of Seoul that I got when I first came here a year ago and have been trying to figure out what we're going to do.  I'm so excited.

 Such a great burger.

 Drinks are always good... and the vodka hoodie for the bottle was just too funny.