There are layers to homesickness. I expected the missing of family, friends, my car, having my own bigger apartment, my regular restaurants that I liked to go to, etc. I knew that I was going to have a hard time in a country where I didn't know the language, and I was WELL aware I was going to struggle with the whole lack-of-personal-space thing. I am EXTREMELY American in some ways and one of them is the personal space bubble! However, I'm learning that there is another, more insidious kind of homesickness that is based in the language barrier.
You see, I've been homesick in OH, FL, TX, WY, WA... basically I've learned that usually when I'm homesick it's because I'm missing certain people/places. I miss margaritas with my bestie at Anamias. I miss being able to hang out at my friend's house and read books to their 3 year old. It's specific. Lately I think what I'm facing is missing the random, small interactions throughout the day that help me with the loneliness. You see, in Korea I can't shoot the breeze with my checkout person when I get groceries. I can't have a conversation with my barista above 'hi, the usual, thanks, bye (3 off those are korean - anyaseo, kamsandia, and 'negaseyo - all phonetically spelled, so get off my case)' when I go for coffee in the AM. I can't have those mini-complaining sessions with complete strangers that are the hallmark of living in TX. The "'How are you?' 'Ugh, it's been such a hard day, my boss is on my case, my friends are being dumb, I just need a good drink.' 'I hear you, have an extra shot (you can decide if it's espresso or alcohol at this point)'" It's amazing to me - you never think of the random interactions you have with people - perfect strangers - all the time until they are no longer possible due to a language barrier.
Now sometimes it can be fun because you may not know the words but you know what they are saying. One of my classes has students that like to hide behind the door while others try to squish them - a Korean teacher stopped by, talked to them, and left. I didn't know what he said, but I know he told them to stop doing that. You can always tell when a couple is having some kind of argument. Body language is everything in communication. Of course, I maintain that the words we choose are also important... and boy, can THAT be awful. Makes me super careful about how I word things (usually anyway) and super sensitive about how others word things (or don't, as the case may be). I got to thinking about my 'cry for help' phrases I'd said in the past few weeks. Not even I knew that's what they were, so how can I be angry with someone for not recognizing it either?! I've joked in the past about making a "Mandi Manual' for guys who are wanting to date me so that they'd know a) what they're getting into b) proper maintenance for their Mandi and c) troubleshooting tips. Is it bad that I'm not even sure I'm qualified to write it?! Under phrases that could mean 'I need socializing:' 'Want to grab a burger and a brew?' 'I was so bored the other day I thought about downloading Tinder.' 'I was thinking of joining a pub crawl.' Under phrases that could mean 'I want to study people like ants:' 'Want to grab a burger and a brew?' 'I thought about downloading Tinder as a social experiment.' 'I was thinking of joining a pub crawl.' LOL - I'd feel bad for the guy, but frankly I'd make a great partner.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. It's funny how you end up missing things like being able to read all the signs, understanding what you're getting at a restaurant, OH - and weighing produce at a store. I've had to have the clerk help me twice now to buy potatoes and carrots at the small grocery store near home because I don't know what buttons to push (and the google translate app failed me... miserably). I miss going to Kroger, HEB, or even Target and knowing that I'll probably be able to find what I'm looking for with relative ease. Generally even if I didn't find what I wanted at one of those places, I could find a decent substitute or I had all the ability/tools to make it (thinking of Mo's Christmas Bread fiasco a couple years ago). Even just buying frozen food - reading the directions in Korean can be... interesting... to say the least. It's all those little things that eventually build up and come out in the worst ways. I know I need to learn the language - I know that would help a lot with these things... I also know I'm still burned out from getting my Masters online. Hell, I'm still burned out from applying for jobs. I looked at my resume recently and felt like I had PTSD. So it's no wonder that I decided to stay a bit longer.
I didn't really prepare much before I came to Korea because I didn't know what I was going to need to be prepared for. I read about the culture and doing business and tried to make sure that I didn't make too many faux pas or accidentally insult anyone or cause an international incident. I checked into the modesty culture (which still throws me off, tbh), I figured I'd need to cover my tats (at least professionally), and I figured in the worst case scenario I look foreign enough to be forgiven. I never thought about or realized how comforting just being able to chat with a random stranger could be. I should have guessed, after all I told about 2 or 3 waiters/waitresses that I was considering this before I took the plunge. No wonder it is sometimes nice to be in Itaewon on my own and see my nice Korean waiter at Vatos. Being recognized as a regular in a restaurant kind of became a thing in TX and it was a bit a home being here. Amazing what brings comfort in another country, innit?!
I wanted to share this with all of you because frankly it blows my mind. Also, I needed to make sure you all know that I am OK. I know the last post was somewhat intense because at the time I felt like the wound was still... well... oozing. Now the wound has been cleaned, the bandage has been changed, and even if it does not heal (as I suspect it won't) at least it is no longer festering. Now, if I can just get a good night's sleep.
I do have to share a funny that I had with J the other day:
J "I don't think I would last long in your head."
Me "I imagine yours as looking a lot like Lisa Frank. Do you know Lisa Frank?"
J "No"
Me "Google it"
J ... types in 'Lisa Frank,' clicks Images... "Yep, that's what my head is like. Except the occasional Colin Firth."
Me "In a flowy white shirt?" (reference to Pride and Prejudice)
J (giggling) "Yep." - all while generally freaking out about the wonderfulness that is Lisa Frank. 90's girls, UNITE!
Now my only question is... do I show her the Metalocalypse episode where we see what it's like in Toki's head? (Think Lisa Frank but with more spikes, teeth, and blood)... I kinda really want to. LOL
Another thing to share - I'm pretty sure the kids in one of my classes are planning a mutiny. There was a document in Korean, a lot of whispering, being mad at me for asking them to be quiet because I had a massive headache today, and I think they didn't like that I was enforcing the 'no food in class' rule... the kid was literally eating RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!! I couldn't... I just couldn't. So yeah, pretty sure there will be a round robin and a rising of the children in the next 9 classes that I have with them before the end of term. Let it be known, I plan to go out with style. LOL.
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