The Pummeling Continues... in a good way

I was heading to my counseling site to send a message to my counselor and was greeted by a quote from none other than GK Chesterton (those who went to FUS when Fr. Terry was president remember with fondness his quoting of GK at some point in EVERY speech).  "To love means loving the unlovable.  To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable.  Faith means believing the unbelievable.  Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless."  I feel like my life right now is all about questions - what do I love?  Whom do I need to forgive?  It's Holy Week - what is more unbelievable than someone returning from the dead and His church being around over 2000 years later?  Have I lost my hope?  That last one... have I come to believe that certain things in my life are truly hopeless?  I hate to say it, but yeah... I've hoped for some things for so long that it now seems pointless to continue.  What a shit place to be... I've lost my faith in the love of God... and it HURTS.  The worst part is, I know that it's all on me - God hasn't given up on me, I've given up on Him.  I'm so sorry for this, and yet... how do I come back?  I can't go to confession, I can't go to Mass - my prayer life leaves much to be desired... I am fully vulnerable and stripped in front of my God and yet somehow He still looks on me with love?  He still wants me?  As broken and shattered as I am, GOD STILL WANTS ME?!?  I still have a purpose?  How can this be?!  It's totally illogical and yet I know it's true.  It's wreaking my head/heart/soul.

In writing to my counselor, I think I'm on the right track if I can change my thinking to something along the lines of - "I understand that I don't feel worthy of the love that is God however, I accept it and for my part will try to live a life worthy of it."  Emphasis here on 'try.'  I know that Mary is the model of Catholic womanhood, but that is a LOT to try to emulate.

So we had our live session today and I've realized something.  It's been a total shit time going through this storm of my life - I nearly jumped out of the boat.  However, I'm already stronger than I have ever been for having to go through it.  I can honestly say that some of my deep seated issues with men have been... if not totally healed, then at least cleaned out of the dead, festering parts and wrapped in clean bandages.  I am stronger now than I have ever been because I've been vulnerable, I've been broken, I've been shattered, I've been used, I've been disrespected, I've been disregarded and yet I've come through all that.  I'm not as worried about a relapse after Easter because I'm not in that place any more.  Certain thoughts/demons/issues no longer have the hold they once did.  It's truly been a transformative Lent (the Lentiest Lent that ever Lented), and I am so grateful for having been broken and rebuilt.  I'm not totally healed, let's face it, that's probably not going to happen in this life - but I am better equipped to weather future storms while I search for the desires of my heart.  I've started looking at jobs for when I come home next year, and I'm reassured by how many there seem to be.  Please continue to pray for my job when I come home (March 2021, I'm all but certain of it). 

Work... continues.  I like the kids, the classes are pretty easy, and we are weathering the pandemic as well as possible.  I hope you are all doing well - hugs and remember, murder is bad.  MUAH :*