It's funny how someone can say something - just a little thing - and it cuts to my very core. In talking with E, he mentioned that it's hard for him to believe that I don't have a bunch of guys pursuing me. The phrase he used was 'good ole Mandi.' In reflecting on that, I cried. I'm going to be struggling with the 'not good enough' complex for quite a while more it seems. How does one explain to someone they are interested in that for the past year or so the most interest they seem to drum up has been of the 'wham, bam, thankya ma'am' variety? That once guys find out that I want more than that they quietly fade away? It seems as though I'm gaining a sixth sense about what is going to officially scare a guy off. It's hard enough being 36, single, never married, no kids (there is an implication that I must be crazy if I haven't managed to be married by now - a whole horrible commentary on our culture, in my opinion), then add in that (shock of shocks) I actually want to be valued and known and respected... well, we just don't serve that at the 2020 dating pool! I am still talking to a Korean guy that I met online - mostly we talk about movies and stuff. Neither of us has attempted to meet the other in real life, which seems fine for us both. Others have faded away due to being too far way, not interested in dating (read: only interested in physical), or due to lack of interest on my part. Either way, the available men of Korea are not beating a path to my door.
As for the phrase... all I could think was 'good ole Mandi' has never been good enough for anyone - and that cuts deep. It's also not 100% true. In friendships and such I'm for sure 'good enough,' and isn't the whole point of dating trying to find someone that each party deems 'good enough' for them? Just the phrase and the thought cut me deep. And no, I'm not going to tell him about all this - he's got his own stuff to deal with. I'll just blare FFDP's "Never Enough" for a personal mosh pit and remind myself that Uncle Kracker thinks I'm sexy when the sun goes down, and remind myself that I AM ENOUGH (for the right man).
Whew... I really needed to get that out. So in other news, the kids tested negative for the 'rona so we are back to having kids at April next week. Which means (da da da daaaaaa) I have kinder classes (gasp!). Quite frankly, the kinders are probably going to be the spookiest part of this season for me. On the other hand, wearing a mask all day means Mandi gets to wear her lip ring!! I need to get new masks tho. The one I've been using hurts my ears something terrible.
Friday was a day off and all I did was go for food (Salady and Papa Johns) watch old episodes of the Addams Family, watch a documentary on the Munsters, then watched Beetlejuice and Monster House. It was a good, lazy day. Saturday I went to Apothecary with J again - this time I was eating so I had their eggs benedict. I figure a 4 or 5 hour window on the weekends isn't bad... curbs my tendency to drink too. Then I went home, watched a couple movies (the 1933 Invisible Man is REALLY good), then started reading a new book. Sunday will be more reading, eating, and studying for the FSOT.
Anyway, that's what's up. I'm still healing and it still SUCKS. Waiting on messages from someone who isn't being responsive is a new kind of Hell that Dante would have for SURE put in the Inferno... right up there with working in call centers. My hike was rescheduled to the weekend of Halloween so that we can see more of the pretty fall colors, which has me a little bummed, but on the other hand perhaps not going out on Halloween is a good idea. Stupid being responsible and stuff. I'm also super homesick right now cuz it's my favorite time of year and Mo is at home doing all kinds of fall stuff and I CAN'T BE THERE!!! Ugh... this is bollocks. One of my Korean co-teachers caught me staring at one of the world maps we have, specifically looking at home. I told her I'm just a little homesick... I miss my people, I miss the decorations for Halloween... I love this time of year.
So this post turned out to be more blah than I meant it to. I love and miss all of ya, can't wait to come home... we'll see how things work out in the next few months, right?! MUAH! :*
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