I think part of it is the continued eldrich horror associated with online dating, and the lack of other viable options with how to meet other humans. Seriously, I'd rather go mad with cthulhu right now than download a dating app (again). I'm also taking a hard look at WHY do I want to get married? What do I expect from a partner? The REALLY cold bitch in me is going "so he'll call the damn dealership to see why I'm still driving a car that can catch fire any time it feels like it!" But really, who usually makes phone calls in relationships? Who makes the doctor appointments? Do I REALLY expect that being married will mean someone will take care of me sometimes?? Well, I'd like to believe that. I'd like to think that when I come home on a bad day he'd let me cuddle him until all was again right with the world. That he'd take care of food sometimes so I don't have to think about it. I think I'm just tired of always taking care of things. I can, and I do, but it would be nice to have someone else deal with it sometimes. Realistically I know I'm picturing some perfect relationship with some perfect man who we know doesn't exist because I'm also not a perfect woman. I'd like to find someone who is good for me tho. I never learned why any of my 'relationships' failed.... fella 1 just said it wasn't anything I did, and fella 2 just blocked me. I may be somewhat intimidating... that's the best I can come up with. It's the reality I'm choosing to accept. Which means I must hold out for someone who isn't intimidated... soooo yeah. That sounds fun.
In the meantime I had a lovely weekend with my friend A. We took pix in the bluebonnets and had yummy food. Talked and laughed a whole bunch, and she can now say that she has had a bloody mary! Some day I'll remember ALL the ingredients the first time... or find a mix that doesn't need to be doctored.
So I think that's what I'm struggling with... fella 1 saying it wasn't anything I did makes me think then it must be something I am. Which shouldn't be messing with me because I KNOW we weren't right for each other, but... a behavior can be corrected, if it's more a matter of who i am fundamentally then... poop. I've lost my hope of meeting someone and I think I'm mourning that loss. It will come back, I'll try again, but for now... I am hopeless in my search. Hence the reason im not searching at the moment.
I've got the weekend to myself this weekend and I'm contemplating how I should spoil me. I'm thinking a day at the botanical gardens, beer and food at a new place A and I found, and at least one evening of food and movies. I love me, and thats most important. Some day maybe I'll find someone who will love me, too.
Got a busy April coming up, so probably won't get back in the dating pool for a while. Will post when I can. Thank you for sticking with me, dear reader. I hope you have had a prayerful Lent. Mine has been... spotty... tho with giving up road rage I've been praying for the stupids on the road more often, so maybe that works too. 😆
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