Answering the Voice in my Head

In Korea, my friend J would generally ask me a variation of a question that I absolutely abhorred. You see, she is/was a journalist and as such is used to asking people these questions (and following homeless guys into sketchy rail yards, but that’s another story). What she asked was always along the lines of “How are you feeling?” or “How does that make you feel?” As someone who has spent most of her life denying even HAVING feelings or, if having them, shoving them so far down as to be unrecognizable, this question drove me crazy because it made me THINK about my feelings. 

Now her voice is officially in my head, and I must confront what I’m feeling – the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m going to take you on a ride with this as well, and honestly my fella is about to get some cheat codes for me because I know he’s gonna read this (hi honey). 

A lot has happened in the last few months, both personally and professionally. Personally, I met an amazing man who I couldn’t help but fall in love with. Why this one, you ask? 

(GUSH ALERT – THERE WILL BE SOME GUSHING HAPPENING IN THE FOLLOWING TEXT!) 

He’s the first guy that I’ve dated whose actions match his words. In the past it always felt like there was a disconnect between what the guy was saying and what he was doing. For example, I’d tell someone that I just wanted a text message at least once a day. Just a little something to let me know that I was on his mind. This didn’t happen and it was because I wasn’t on his mind or he wanted to send me a different message, but it left me wondering if I was being too demanding. I didn’t think it was too much, but apparently it was. This left me sad and wondering why I wasn’t ever going to be someone’s priority. Really, I should have ended things there, but I believed them later when they said they were just busy or really did want to be with me. Toward the end with my last fella, I felt like I was being ignored and I told him that. His response was he was sorry and that he wasn’t meaning to make me feel that way. Then… no change in behavior. I know now that he had checked out of the relationship and was just stringing me along because he didn’t have the guts to end it. So, I did. The thing is, I spent at least a month and a half trying to get together with him because I thought we were still in a relationship. It was only hindsight that showed me the truth. It hurt way more than I admitted it did. And now? Now I’m with someone who messages every day and will message to let me know that he’ll message again when things calm down, who messages in the middle to say I’m on his mind, and then will message regularly when he’s free. I’m not left wondering if he cares about me, or if I’m on his mind, he tells me that. When he has a busy weekend, he makes a point of seeing me at least once. It’s not a case of “oh, well I have so much to do, I just can’t make time to see you” it’s “I’m gonna have to do x, y, and z but we can meet after (insert time here) for a bit before I have to get back to other stuff.” It’s amazing and refreshing and so appreciated. He makes plans for us to do, we have so much fun together, and when we are together it seems like time passes so quickly and I don’t even notice it. Suddenly I’m going “why am I tired” and it’s because it’s WAY past my bedtime, but I never looked at the clock. I rarely look at my phone when we are out and about (which caused a bit of a freakout on A’s part one weekend – sorry hon). Even better, we try to make sure things are as equal as possible when it comes to ‘I’ll get this, you get that’ which is refreshing. However, it turns out I get weirdly uncomfortable when someone is paying for most things, even when I’ve already paid for my portion. I don’t know why this is. Perhaps I’m worried about becoming that which I’ve complained about so much before. I know it all comes out in the wash, maybe it’s just me overthinking. 

I know that relationships progress in stages, but I’ve never really experienced a healthy relationship, so I’m not sure how they progress when they don’t just peter out. We’ve been in the super exciting ‘new’ stage. We’re still in the super exciting new stage but now I feel like I’m (and perhaps we are) in the ‘oh shit, I really hope I don’t mess up’ stage of the beginning. We joke about this when things happen like ‘oh, I thought we were good, but then X happened and that was it.’ X being anything from a slightly embarrassing food mishap to a potentially off-color comment or a slightly awkward attempt at showing affection or an expression of a tiiiiny bit of road rage (guess who had that one). I haven’t cooked for him yet – maybe THAT’s what blows this. Those kinds of thoughts run rampant. It’s the old ‘things are going SO well, I just KNOW I’m gonna mess this up somehow’ issue. I mean, on the one hand I’m going ‘we’ve only known each other for x months’ but on the other hand it feels like we’ve known each other for longer. I’m comfortable with him whether we are in a crowded museum, at the edge of a mosh pit, at his friend C’s house, or in full on ‘goblin’ mode at my place. (For those who don’t know, ‘goblin’ mode is our term for when we’re in comfy clothes and have NO intention of leaving the apartment. Generally we’re watching movies and eating snacks.) He is a planner, so he lets me know what’s going on ahead of time and INVITES me to things, usually with an ‘it’s ok if you don’t want to’ reassurance, which is also amazing. He just ‘gets’ me. Even without ‘cheat code’ blog posts. 

I guess what I’m feeling is fear of the X happening, and hope that when the X does happen, we are able to get through it and neither of us jumps ship. I’m feeling like this is a real, healthy relationship with someone who wants the same things as me and wants them WITH me. I can see an ‘us’ and a future with this man. Is that terrifying? YES. Exciting? YES. Is any of this news to him? No, because we’ve talked about it already. I think part of the point of this post is to work through what I’m feeling, acknowledge it, and share it so that it loses some of its hold on me. I’ll journal about this too. That’s right, this is for public consumption, but my journal is for all those private thoughts I’m not willing to share. Thank you for going along this roller coaster ride with me. I hope it brought back some fond memories of when you were also in the ‘oh shit’ phase. And if that’s not a thing, please don’t tell me. I prefer to think everyone has one. Hehe. 

(GUSHING OVER FROM THIS POINT ON, IF YOU PREFERED TO SKIP THE GUSH, CONTINUE POST HERE)

Professionally, I’m losing my boss. That’s right; my wonderful, amazing, sweet, professional, caring, best boss I’ve ever had is leaving me. Do I blame her? No. Will I miss her? YES. Am I unsure of my own future here? Somewhat. There’s a LOT of changes happening here. I know that my position is not going to be eliminated, because every hospital needs a Quality department. However, I don’t really know who I’m going to be reporting to or how the restructuring will affect me. So, I’m bobbing along, doing my job, and hoping for good things. This is an interesting place to be, and I do still love my job. Here’s hoping that’s still true in a few months. The CNO did try to get me to promise not to leave again, so it’s nice to know I’m still loved. 

I made a mistake and weighed myself today… can we just call it ‘happy’ weight? I’ve got no one to blame but myself. It’s either back to not eating at all 2x a week, taking my weight training WAY more seriously and figuring out how to eat for that, or accepting that it’s just WAY too easy to gain weight and give up trying to lose, instead becoming the Jabba the Hutt type that, apparently, I’m meant for. Sigh… giving up isn’t in my blood so I guess weight training it is. Portion control is also probably something I need to work on. I wish everything was as easy as gaining weight. Time to call in my trainer and talk about the food aspect of things. Damn it… I swear, I am well versed in ALL the jargon and every damn diet known to man… and some only known to woman! Still the weight creeps up… even though my clothes fit the same… well, not true… I haven’t worn jeans for a while and not just because they are uncomfortable in a TX summer. Snarl, growl. The thing is, I’m still healthy! My blood work always comes back with good #’s, and my doc told me that my cholesterol is in the ‘live forever’ range. I just hold on to the lbs in my thighs and butt. Dash it all.

Anyway, I just wanted to share some of the less "omg, so amazing" things I've been thinking/feeling. Its been a roller coaster of a few months and I'm feeling lots of things I've never really felt before, and it helps to write these things out. I'm trying to do like J says and be honest with my thoughts/feelings, being sure to acknowledge them, so that they don't rule me and cause me to do something stupid. (See hon, I WAS listening when you got on your soap box!) I saw this and thought it worked for my relationship:

I'm SO glad I met someone who gets me, let's me be me, and doesn't try to force me to be 'normal.' (That counts as minimal gush.) 

MUAH! Much love, all!! 😘😘😘