My Own Worst Enemy

I have reached my 2025 weight loss goal... however, when i checked, I didn't react the way that I thought I would. On the one hand, I was pretty stoked, but the excitement I expected to feel just... wasn't there. So I thought about it, and mulled it over and I realized: I'm disappointed in myself because I couldn't make the scale move without pharmacological help (phentermine pills). Which is... dumb. Like, SO dumb! If one of my friends told me they made their goal after starting on a med, I'd say things like "congrats, I'm so proud of you, that's awesome!" So why am I disappointed with myself?? I decided it's because deep down I really thought I could do it on my own. (Cue My Cousin Vinny quotes here "I wanted to win my first case on my own.") The thing is, I am still lifting heavy, I'm doing at least 150 mins of cardio a week, and I'm doing yoga. It's not like I've been ONLY taking my med. The med was just the key to unlocking... something. It was the last bit I needed to get to goal. I already utilized many resources open to me (healthy food, gym, yoga studio, intermittent fasting), why does THIS resource hit different? And how disappointed would i be if it DIDNT work? Would I have given up? Maybe not, but I would have beaten myself down a lot. And really, the first 5 months of the year there was NO weight loss at all. So hitting 2025's goal after only 6 months is pretty impressive, really. 

I also have a new perspective on reaching goals. On the one hand, yay, on the other hand, we still have a ways to go, and finally (on a foot maybe) I still have to maintain once I get to THE goal. And what happens when that last factor is gone? Is gaining back inevitable? Or will the training be enough to keep the scale firm? WHY is this a constant issue!?!? Sigh. 

All this to say that I have decided I need to treat myself the way I'd treat my friends. And yes, I've said this before, but old habits die hard. Why is it so hard for us to be kind to ourselves? Is it society (which profits on self-hatred)? Is it engrained when we are kids (based on how adults told us we SHOULD be, and then being punished when we fell short)? Is it because we have internalized so many of the bad things people have told us about ourselves (which usually have less to do with us and more to do with those who said them)? How strange (read: wonderful) the world would be if people liked themselves and treated themselves kindly. So, good for me! I took a bunch of the weight loss tools I had in my toolbox and I am on track to get to the big goal (hopefully in 2026: 35-45 lbs left). Then we work on maintaining. Health becomes a habit and then BOOM! I'm 100 yrs old, living independently, and still rocking out!! Hehe. 

I just wanted to share all of this with you because I suspect you are also WAY harder on yourself than you need to be. Give yourself some grace, some love, and breathe. You're doing better than you realize. Much love from TX! 🥰🥰❤️❤️

I also finished the latest book in the Thursday Murder Club series and there were a couple passages about grief that I wanted to share. 

"They can't tell you... that's the thing about your own grief. No one can ever know it but you." I'm struck by how this resonates with me. I've been no stranger to grief in my life. Some friends passed away while others simply passed on to things no longer involving  me. Some I felt the grief keenly, others maybe less so. With all that we have gone thru this year, I am constantly reminded that no 2 people grieve the same way, nor do they feel their grief the same way. There are enough similarities about people going thru the process that we can say there are 5 stages and name them as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We can remind ourselves that the stages are not linear and people can go back and forth or get stuck in one or the other, but we can't really KNOW how they feel because their grief is individual to them. I think it's really important to remind everyone to be kind not only to themselves, but to others, especially as the holidays come around. Some can just not think about the chair that is empty, the presence that is absent, others can't. The passage above goes on to talk about the chair- his chair. No one can sit in it yet because, tho it's empty, he's still sitting in it. It's so easy to see our loved ones in their usual spot, that it's unheard of for someone to sit there until their presence eventually fades or the chair is given away. My death and dying professor once said that when a loved one passes they stay right in front of your face for a while until eventually they move to your shoulder. Still with you, but not front and center anymore. I always liked that thought. She never gave a time line for it, either. There is no time line for grief, just as there isn't one for love. They both change, over time, and the expressions of them change as well, but if grief is the price of love then I think there isn't an end to grief as long as love still exists. We learn how to live without our loved ones, and sometimes we mourn who we were before they were lost to us, but somehow we find the will to continue. The holidays eventually feel festive again, get togethers become nostalgic for the ones who aren't around but less tears are shed as time goes by. The absence of the loved one still hurts, but the pain isnt so sharp after a while. My heart goes out to those who are mourning, and I'm reminded again how fleeting life can be. How it can all change in the blink of an eye. 

As we progress in journeys around the sun, ive found my friends and family are all entering the time of life where parents, spouses, grandparents, even siblings and we, ourselves are facing health issues galore. I know I am truly blessed to still have my grandparents here, and I know eventually they will be beyond my ability to text as well, and that's the 'little grief' I think I'm facing. Not to be macabre about it, just trying to face the facts and enjoy them while I can. My parents have pretty much told me their end-of-life wants, and I'm VERY glad I'm not going to be responsible for the legal stuff. Since we are married, hubbs and I know we should get some paperwork in order, we just don't want to think about it (and dont have a ton of assets anyway). He likes to think about if we had met sooner and had kiddos. Based on his ideas for names, the good Lord probably knew we shouldn't be in charge of small humans (of course he could prove me wrong, the Lord seems to love to do that). Is this what a mid life crisis is? When you realize the fleeting nature of existence and decide, to hell with it, let's get the corvett? I remember people talking about the mid life crisis but usually in terms of the symptoms, not the cause. When you realize how fragile your particular house of card is, why not just burn it down? Sell everything, get a camper van, and join a commune! As the song says, "but nothin stays" The good times and the bad times come and go, and when the good is really, really good the prospect of losing it is almost paralyzing. We know what is coming and we torture ourselves with the knowledge and forget to enjoy the now. 

Let's enjoy the now, everyone. Let's wake up each day amazed at the miracle of the sunrise. Let's hug our loved ones a little longer than they are comfortable with. Let's tell them all the time how much they are loved (because sometimes they don't KNOW). Let's send the random memes and funny pictures. Let's spam them with Instagram reels. Let's feel the love now, when the grief is still a mere shadow. Let's save the sadness for when it's needed. As Sir Terry said, "I am here and this is now." Do the task in front of you, do your best, and don't hide from love thinking you'll be safe from grief. It doesn't work like that. 

If you stuck with me all the way to here, please know I appreciate it. I hope your holiday season is filled with love, food, and warmth. I hope you remember others and spread kindness and joy. I hope you unplug and connect with your people (unless your people require phone calls, and then can I suggest video calls of some kind because nothing beats seeing their face). Let's be the light in this crappy old world ✨️🕯

People wrapping their vehicles in Christmas lights blows my mind!!