Those of you who know me in the real world know how much I've always struggled with bouts of insomnia. There are just times/nights when I can't shut my brain down in order to get a good night's sleep. I'm somewhere in a cycle of insomnia right now and I realized that it's been brought on by a number of stressors. I won't got into all of them, but I do want to talk about a couple of them because I think people can relate, and maybe they need to hear this too.
Thirteen years ago, my friend killed himself. The anniversary itself always eludes me because I'm terrible at dates, but at the end of every August (25th, I think is the date, but don't quote me on that), I tend to get a little down because it was around that time and I miss him. Due to a number of different factors, this year's anniversary hit me a bit harder than before. However, external factors set apart, you know what made it worse? Me. I kept on telling myself that it had been thirteen years - THIRTEEN! How could I possibly still be crying for him? Wasn't it beyond time for this not to hurt so much? How weak was I that I was going into a tailspin?! Then I stopped... and I realized I was using my least favorite word on myself - "should." I SHOULD no longer feel like my heart is ripped up, I should be 'over' missing my friend, I should be able to sleep. And I had to give myself a bit of a talk. There is no 'should' in grieving. The fact that I still miss him and still wish he was here is a testament to what a great person he was in my world. That it still hurts is just a part of life - it's the price of loving someone, to miss them when they're gone. I've mourned the dead and I've mourned the living. I've mourned for friendships lost and for things that were simply never meant to be. Allowing myself to feel, to hurt, to miss those things does not make me weak, it makes me human. I hold myself to the kind of standard that is 100% unattainable... I am still learning to be kind to myself. So I've been thinking a lot about the nature of grief. It flows, and sometimes it slows to a trickle then sometimes it rages like a river - but it never stops flowing. Not as long as we still love those who are gone... tho when I see this person in the afterlife, I'm gonna punch him, hug him, then slap the shit outta him, then hug him some more.
So here's the other thing that caused some of the stress. I decided to see about meeting new people while I'm here. What's the best way to do that in our hyper-connected society? Dating apps! So I downloaded Bumble, thinking that it would be preferable to Tinder for one reason - I have to make the first move. Guys can't message women first on Bumble - the woman has to send the first message. I've met a few guys from there, and I've realized there are 3 types. 1) the Boom! then crickets: this guy you match with, then you send the message, and he never replies. 2) the 5 mins and done: this guy responds to your message, you might have a brief exchange, then crickets. 3) The Keen: This one responds, and the messages continue even after a day. This is the one who wants to move off the app to another way of messaging - Whatsapp or Kakao here in Korea, the one that will mention a face-to-face. Now what happens at that face to face is up to the 2 of you. However, I have found in my brief experiment that you can gauge a man best when you tell him 'no.' Some act like spoiled 5 year olds, some turn angry, others (and this was my favorite) accept it like an adult.
On that note, I have realized something about people/dating/men that I think needs said. Dear people of the world, I, Mandi Short, believe that there is a problem. After a person has turned 30, their desire for your opinions/input on how they live their life has officially gone from little (if any) to zilch. Unless an opinion/input is asked for or advice is being sought, any opinion you have on their lifestyle is officially jettisoned to the mental trash can, or box marked 'unimportant BS.' It is ok to ask why something is the way that it is, but it is not ok to then weigh in with your thoughts on the matter. That is all. This has been a public service announcement from someone who is tired of dealing with judgy jerkfaces. In case you are wondering, this announcement is relevant beyond the dating scene. Unless there is something seriously wrong with someone's world (harming themselves/others, etc) just let us muddle thru as best we can, just like you are. Stop pretending you know better than me how to live my life, especially after knowing me for an hour!!! Whew... man that really grinds my gears.
I've reached some conclusions regarding the modern dating scene.
1) We are all damaged in some way. No one comes baggage-free, and you're crazy if you think they do.
2) Being kind is important, but being honest and kind is most important. I think part of the problem (for me at least) was not knowing what I wanted, so I couldn't be clear. That and when guys hear 'friend' they get weird. I literally just wanted to meet people my own age who liked beer, movies, and music. Guess I should look for a different app, right?!
3) Expecting sex on the first date is totally normal... and I'm the weirdo for not being down for that. Basically that adds to the damaging effects that we all have on each other.
4) Humans need to remember that we're all humans. What I mean by this is that it's so easy to get drawn into the swipe left, swipe right, that we can almost forget that we're not just swiping a picture, we're swiping a person. People need to treat people like... people.
5) We need to spend less time looking for distractions and more time dealing with our crap. This is what I feel would break the cycle of broken people breaking other broken people in an attempt to find someone who will 'fix' their brokenness. What if we all took the time to actually figure out why we're doing what we're doing? I was lonely for people my own age, but it turns out that actually I wanted to be distracted from my loneliness. I miss my people at home, but mostly I miss being able to just call someone to listen to me. It's harder when you're 13-16 hours ahead of people back home.
So it was a brief foray into the dating world, and I'm glad for the experience. However, being in Korea there's a small chance of anything being serious and guys are expecting too much out the gate, so I'm done. I'm a modern woman with an old-fashioned heart, and I won't contribute to the crap that is modern dating via apps. Also, I realized I don't have the energy or inclination to try to convince some rando from the internet that I'm as awesome as I am. Confidence and self-worth are not things I'm looking for online!!
Those are my revelations: grief knows no schedule, and modern dating is as crap as I always figured it would be. Now I must say, I still haven't tried sites that you pay for (looking at you, Match). The reason for this is that I'm not sure I'm looking for marriage. I want to live a life overseas at the moment, and it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect a man to just 'fit' into that life. I think I also have more crap to deal with... I just wonder how much work I can do on myself by myself.
Anyway, this is part of what I've been dealing with while I've been procrastinating my vacation posts. I'll get the Busan pix up and tell you all about that later this week. In the meantime, I'm listening to a lot of Uncle Kracker... he makes me smile. ;)
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