National Hangul Day

So this Wednesday was another free day.  Which works out for me, classes-wise.  I've got my Tues AMs for grading writing notebooks back.  Woot!  I didn't do much on the actual day.  Got up late, went to Gangnam in Seoul to have a coffee date (German dude, leaves next week - nice enough, and interesting to talk politics with), came home, made stir fry teriyaki sausage and cabbage, had a couple glasses of wine, watched Firefly, then went to bed.  All in all, it was a nice, relaxing day.

So this post is going to be less about what I did on my day off and more about changes.  You see, while I was walking to an earlier bus stop in order to secure a place on the bus (yes, we have to do that sometimes) I realized that my undies were falling down.  The elastic is fine, which means I'm officially needing smaller undies.  Which means that I've reached the "crap, I have to go shopping for clothes" stage of my weight loss.  For those who are wondering, it's been 19 months since I started intermittent fasting and I'm down about 80-ish lbs, (officially) under 200 for the first time in my adult life, and loving the feeling of not having to worry about 3 meals a day.  Since I've been obsessively tracking my progress, I can tell you that I've got a good 40-50 lbs that I can play with before anyone ever says 'you look like you've lost/gained weight.'  This can be a good or a bad thing, depending.  I always knew I carried my weight well, but this has just kind of proven that once I have cheekbones, it's hard to tell anywhere else.  For those who are wondering, yes I have about 30 more lbs to go, no I'm not starving myself, yes I read about the science behind it, no I won't go into it unless you ask and then I'll just point you in the right direction, no I don't want to hear any concerns about my goal weight, yes I'm eating well.

Technical specs - I generally do OMAD or ADF (One Meal A Day or Alternate Day Fasting).  I limit my eating to a 4-8 hour window depending on the day/how I'm feeling.  I don't deny myself any foods once my window is open.  During the fast I have black coffee and water.  This actually fixed my prediabetic blood levels - I'm down to normal now.

Before:

 Kinda during:

 Now:

HOW IS THIS MY FACE?!

I have been saying for a few weeks/months (S can tell you exactly cuz it's usually to him) that I need to go shopping for some jeans that fit.  I'm just nervous about 1) the cost and 2) finding something that will fit and 3) the blow to the ego trying to find something that fits in ASIA!  I have a fragile relationship with my body... and clothes shopping can tend to throw me into a depression like you wouldn't BELIEVE!!  Especially since there is no JESSICA and no TORRID and no EARTHBOUND TRADING CO here!!  On the other hand, this has been a 19 mo process and I FINALLY need new clothes, so I can look at this as a good thing, right?!

One of the unforeseen benefits of fasting is realizing just how much I use food/drink to make myself feel better.  Before coming to Korea I wanted to EAT ALL THE THINGS!  Thanks to fasting, I was forced to realize that the reason I wanted to eat all the things was because I was freaking out about coming here for a year.  Now sometimes it's bad because I do still drink and I need to be sure to eat something before I drink any alcohol.  Yes, I've not always made the best decisions.  Story of anyone's life right there.  I've also realized just how much of life revolves around food - we use it for celebrating, for feeling better, for gifts, for damn near everything.  I do have to say, some days when I'm stressed (such as today) I consider having an earlier window.  Just writing this post has brought on an emotional headache.  Siiigh... thank God for Excedrine.

I had a convo with my older sis that kinda revolved around this.  As she put it, I'm 'winning the battle with food.'  Which could be true, but I feel like I'm losing the battle of healing emotionally/spiritually.  All I see is how far I still have to go, how much I truly need to let go, and I'm scared of letting go of it.  It's like I have a fistful of razor wire that's been there for as long as I remember, and while I don't like the pain of holding on to it, I'm more afraid of losing the familiarity of that pain.  I want to say that I'll be ok, because I always am, but allowing myself to feel the pain, to remove the wire, and let the Lord heal what He will... what am I without the bitterness and pain?!  Why be willing to open myself up to that pain again?  How can I show trust when so many have betrayed that trust?  I have the kind of heart that will do anything for someone who is important to me, and that's brought me a lot of pain and some amazing friends with similar hearts.  For some reason, I still think that people are obligated to treat me the way that I treat them, which is nuts.  It's never true - I can't expect everyone to have the same heart that I do!

From a psychological perspective, I know that most of the time when someone has treated me like crap, it didn't even come from a place of malice.  Most people are just so wrapped up in their own lives/worlds that they have no clue how their actions affect others/me.  What I need to do is to let people know when their actions have caused me pain in some way instead of repressing everything until Mount BoozeyMandi erupts.  Apologies to my friends for my bad habit of keeping my mouth shut when something bothers me.  My theory is that healing will come as I get out of my comfort zone (and confronting friends is about as far out of my comfort zone as I can get) and engage with people (old and new)... as long as I have the option of BH weekends at least once a month.  This weekend I'm going to Costco with T, next weekend will be apple picking with A, the following weekend is free unless there's something Halloweeny going on.

So here's the last thing about change that I'm dealing with/is causing me issues.  I don't recognize my face anymore.  Ana tells me that I need to work on my angles because I've lost so much weight that how I used to take pix no longer is required.  Jess taught me about taking pix from above so that there wouldn't be a double chin - so that's what I do.  Now when I see pix of myself, I see a stranger.  I know it's me, but between the weight loss and the haircut it's not me.  I don't think I have a good way of putting this... you know those pictures of the man in the moon where it's a half moon and the features are really obvious?  That's how I feel my face looks in pictures now.  Big nose, sharp chin, no hair to hide behind... I do think my eyes don't look quite as hooded as they did before, which is kinda nice... I HAVE EYES.  LOL.  On the one hand, I feel like the old me... on the other hand, I feel totally different.  I am a bit nervous about my goal weight, too - you can't tell in pix, but there are plenty of places on me that have room to shrink... I'm just not sure if all of it isn't going to come from my FACE!  My thighs are just as big as ever, my ankles are still all swollen (that's been true since college, so no I'm not preggers)... I hate my legs.  When the familiar is being overweight, how does one really adjust to a new normal?  I thought doing this slowly would help, but I'm knocked for a loop now just as much as I was when I lost all the weight going to the gym (Jess has the bridesmaid dress trying on pix that freaked me out then... I thought my head was too big for the rest of my body).

I guess this is the post that tells you not everything is all 'Skittles' as Mo would put it.  I'm pretty sure I'd be dealing with these same kinds of things if I were in the states (maybe not the dating app thing - if I were home, I'd still have a dumb phone), but there I'd have Mo to call whenever I felt like it and Jess, Doug, and Ana to give me hugs... Gracie and Cake for cuddles... random bartenders to talk to... ability to call home when I want... long road trips to get my head straight... church ladies to lean on... Gparents to go see at Thanksgiving... regular shows for moshing... sigh... I feel like a big ol' mess.  Where is Mr. Clean when you need him?!  Hehe... I need a good night of movies, pizza, and wine.  Yay for payday being today, I may splurge on something delicious... or pick up gimbap on the way home and make roasted brussels sprouts for dinner.  (Update: J and I went out for Indian food and it was AMAZING.)