"I'm broken, lost, and just human" - Hellyeah. J is telling me that I'm going to have to face up to the fact that I'm not an emotionless drone/robot/ice queen. I know she's right, but MAN I think that would make things so much easier. You see, I took a long time off of dating to 'work on myself.' I thought I'd worked through quite a few issues, but the one that seems to be problematic is how to relate to a guy at any more than a friendly level. I seem to get stuck into old habits and behaviors that I no longer want to be in, but have a hard time extracting myself from. I know that how I was in my early 20's has nothing to do with how I want to be in my mid 30's. The thing is, I'm still terrified of anything that could lead to commitment and such, so I still become interested in the same kinds of guys that I always did, then wonder why everything seems so... familiar. What did I do? I decided to try dating in Korea - just dating. I thought I'd meet some interesting guys, go out a bit, get to see the dating life. What I found was a hook-up culture made worse by the fact that we all know we're only here for so long and so everything is totally fleeting.
Now, throw together a bunch of people who have come to a new country, are learning the work culture, and each other's culture, and trying to figure out the work itself. That's our job - half the time we don't know what is or is not acceptable (although apparently the kids find it funny when I smack em with the books, so no complaints from parents so far), who we should go to with questions/concerns, how we've made any cultural missteps, etc. The first few months here I feel like most of us just are trying not to get fired while also trying like Hades to learn all the kid's names! Seating charts are my saving friggin' grace. The turnover is such that you're trying to make new friends every few months and losing those you thought were friends (downgraded to work acquaintances, or lost to the fact that their contracts were up). It seems as though we're told new information regarding grading, activities for the kids, contractual obligations, etc right before the changes/events take place. I know that's normal for a work environment, but it sure adds to the stress levels.
As for me, I've also been wrestling with leftover hurts from... let's say the last 5 years or so. The biggest hurdle I've ran into is how I let people treat me like they do. I let some of them get away with it, that's true. I say that I value myself, but calling someone out for treating me like shit is still a new concept for me. For some people it's because I get what's probably going on - most of us are just trying to muddle through as best we can and on the way we unintentionally hurt others who care for us. I say unintentionally because I'm giving the benefit of the doubt. It is quite telling when I stop doing something for someone and suddenly they are full of excuses/make no effort to see me. Sigh, I've lost more friends that way... but I digress. On the men front, I think that not knowing what I want out of these associations is probably what is screwing me up. That and reconciling my ideals with how the world actually is. J and I have talked about this a lot - but we are not the ones to lead the anti-hook up culture revolution. For one thing, that would require me meeting more dudes and frankly I'm not that keen on meeting up with most of these guys in real life. A couple bad experiences haven't ruined me forever, but they have made me plenty cautious. Surprisingly, my episode did not lose me the 2 closest friends I have here in Korea... and for that I am well and TRULY grateful. On the other hand, it's going to still be a long road to full healing, and I'm at a loss for what more I can do on my own.
The way that I see forward is to continue meeting people, and hoping that some of them aren't crap humans. Perhaps that's one aspect of the fleeting nature of living in Korea that will actually turn out to be a good thing. The crap humans can move along and I'll keep the good ones. LOL... 'it's so much easier to keep the good ones out than to risk the bad ones getting in.' - All That Remains.
Dealing with the transitional nature of living an expat life is probably the toughest part of all of this. Nothing is permanent, everything is fleeting, and part of us still longs for stability and permanence. It's a stressful way to live, so it's no wonder that the stress sometimes comes out in pseudo-violent ways. I don't think any of us are 'good' at dealing with these things. Some of us are considering staying for another year - for various reasons. Personally I don't feel like I've gotten everything out of this experience yet (though if I stay, I'm getting a mattress topper for my bed). I like the job and our company is expanding, so maybe I could get some good stuff outta staying, you know? I think one of the nice things about being here is that no one really acts like they've got their crap figured out. It's all extremely honest (for the most part), which is refreshing.
I'm in a better place now that I've had a couple pep talks with myself. I'm not sure how I'll be proceeding from here (other than with caution), but I'll be better for having this whole bloody experience, I'm sure. Also, LIGHTBULB - it's about respect. I didn't feel respected by people who took advantage of me, and I don't feel respected by those who just try to get something out of me. That's what it boils down to, right? We all want to be respected and valued as human beings - when that is absent we either suck it up or have to say something. I need to work on actually saying something instead of feeling miserable and eventually lashing out. So from now on, I'll work on actually speaking up when I feel disrespected/taken advantage of. I can't expect someone to change their behavior if I never tell them that it bothers me, right?! Growth... it's painful, but I think this will make me a better human.
Another thought before I leave. I read the book "Tribe" before I left the US. I think part of what we're all struggling with is that we thought we'd find a tribe here - like minded people who would have our backs. J says she expected a camp counselor-type vibe where we'd all sit around a campfire and sing 'Kumbaya.' I think a part of our problem is dealing with the fact that people are still people, even when they do the same kind of things you do, it can be for drastically different reasons. So where we thought we'd find like-minded folk who would aid us in our problems, we didn't. Again, it's the managing expectations thing - we want one thing and then reality is drastically different. Sigh... ah well. I'm sure this weekend at Oktoberfest and the Jinju Lantern Festival will be AWESOME! Much love to all, don't worry about my mental health - it's as good as it's ever been. ;)
Dealing with the transitional nature of living an expat life is probably the toughest part of all of this. Nothing is permanent, everything is fleeting, and part of us still longs for stability and permanence. It's a stressful way to live, so it's no wonder that the stress sometimes comes out in pseudo-violent ways. I don't think any of us are 'good' at dealing with these things. Some of us are considering staying for another year - for various reasons. Personally I don't feel like I've gotten everything out of this experience yet (though if I stay, I'm getting a mattress topper for my bed). I like the job and our company is expanding, so maybe I could get some good stuff outta staying, you know? I think one of the nice things about being here is that no one really acts like they've got their crap figured out. It's all extremely honest (for the most part), which is refreshing.
I'm in a better place now that I've had a couple pep talks with myself. I'm not sure how I'll be proceeding from here (other than with caution), but I'll be better for having this whole bloody experience, I'm sure. Also, LIGHTBULB - it's about respect. I didn't feel respected by people who took advantage of me, and I don't feel respected by those who just try to get something out of me. That's what it boils down to, right? We all want to be respected and valued as human beings - when that is absent we either suck it up or have to say something. I need to work on actually saying something instead of feeling miserable and eventually lashing out. So from now on, I'll work on actually speaking up when I feel disrespected/taken advantage of. I can't expect someone to change their behavior if I never tell them that it bothers me, right?! Growth... it's painful, but I think this will make me a better human.
Another thought before I leave. I read the book "Tribe" before I left the US. I think part of what we're all struggling with is that we thought we'd find a tribe here - like minded people who would have our backs. J says she expected a camp counselor-type vibe where we'd all sit around a campfire and sing 'Kumbaya.' I think a part of our problem is dealing with the fact that people are still people, even when they do the same kind of things you do, it can be for drastically different reasons. So where we thought we'd find like-minded folk who would aid us in our problems, we didn't. Again, it's the managing expectations thing - we want one thing and then reality is drastically different. Sigh... ah well. I'm sure this weekend at Oktoberfest and the Jinju Lantern Festival will be AWESOME! Much love to all, don't worry about my mental health - it's as good as it's ever been. ;)
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