Feelings... oh woah woah feeeeeelings

Monday: 

It was a foggy day - head fog that is.  I've been super emotional, nearly cried at least twice today.  Work without J is a dreary, dull place for me.  I wanted to go and find her for a hug so many times.  I'm not gonna lie, I'm hurting... and yes, I'll get thru this... I'm just allowing it to suck for now.  So let's re-hash the wonderfulness of Sunday.

Full disclosure - this pic was taken on Saturday outside of the Lotte department store... but I wanted to share it anyway.

This was as well... I'm not sure why the Korean department store had a story about a Finnish fairy, but there you have it.  

Sunday we woke up to this.  I got to experience J in the snow one more time - she's so cute because she thinks its so magical while I think it's just bloody cold and inconvenient and becomes slush too soon.

My pink penguin in the snow.

She's just so damn cute!

Me on the other hand... well, I was cold!  I wore this jacket cuz it's waterproof and I must say I love the hood.  Underneath this is thermals (tops and bottoms) a sweater, leggings, and my snow boots.  J learned about what kinds of boots to wear in snow - suede is no good if you want dry feet.

So we went to Mass at the International parish and found that they can now only allow 20 people to worship at Mass.  We were #20 and 21 when we first came in.  So we went to another room for a bit and then they came and told us that one person left, so we could come in to the church proper.  We were able to celebrate Mass together.  It was quite nice.  Then we wandered around a bit until we found this place.

NY brick oven pizza.  I told J I was going to eat my feelings and I did.

Gotta love the decor.  Not that I've ever been to NY, but the pizza was good.

We got fries to share and that's my sangria you are seeing in the background.  Then J got chicken pesto pasta and I got... 

Half pesto pizza and half 'godfather' pizza.  I ate half of it... the rest I brought home for (probably) Tuesday night dinner.  

I also had these - quite a nice amber ale, to be honest.  

After that we wanted to get dessert so we went to this lovely cafe which seems to capture the spirit of J and myself so very well.  Pink angry looking skulls with flowers on.  Gotta love it.  She got a hot chocolate and I got a vanilla latte.  We had to take them to go because the current rules are you can only eat in if you are DINING in - no sitting around with your coffee.

All of these finger-foods are to go only, and we decided not to attempt to eat them and walk and drink at the same time.  

I had to... it's a skull.

After lunch we came back to Dongtan and watched the Dr. Who Christmas special with the Titanic in space.  I loved it and I expect I'll be watching much more Dr. Who in my life.  We discussed how things will be for both of us in the next few weeks, and J determined that we were not going to say goodbye that day.  Nope, the gift exchange and goodbye will happen on Tuesday night.  Hence the reason I'm not sure if I'll be having dinner on Tues (no worries, I will have lunch), because I'm at the sad emotional stage where I just don't feel like eating.  My emotional support system is going remote and I don't LIKE IT!  

I also had a small chat with S today (Monday) about him keeping me in check if I try to take my emotions out on him.  Let's face it, he'd be a great punching bag and he doesn't... totally... deserve it.  He just has all the emotional intelligence of a gnat.  Nope, J is going to be part of my online emotional support system - she joins such wonderful humans as Jess, Mo, Ana, Dad, and Mom (not in any particular order, don't read into it).  

I'm really starting to wonder if there is a dark down side to my fasting.  I usually lose my appetite when I get down, and I used to think that I 'had' to eat.  I now know that's not always the case.  However, I know that I can also take things too far and that's what worries me.  I know I can go 72 hours without food - I've done it before - however, I don't know if that is the best thing for me now.  This week I can do what I need to get thru - keeping my Mon and Thurs fasts, for instance - but part of me just wants to see how long I can really go.  I know that's probably the self-destructive part of me talking... when I'm fasting, I don't drink so that particular self-destructive activity isn't possible but if I push myself the OTHER way... you see where I'm going with this.  I was already planning on changing up my fasting schedule now that I don't have Wednesday date nights to look forward to... but seeing how long I can not eat seems a little extreme to the logical side of my brain.  

I think the Covid restrictions also have me down - tried to go to the grocery store today after work and found that they were closing.  So tomorrow I either need to go to the store near home before work, go the store near work, or say screw it and wait until the weekend.  S did say I could have some of his coffee, so I'm holding him to that.  UGH - I feel like a mess.  I'm even thinking of delaying taking the FSOT because I don't feel prepared, it'll be in the middle of immersion and that stresses me out and exhausts me, and there's a testing center in Casper which may just be a better situation all together.  However, are these logical thought processes just covering up my own insecurities?  Nah, as I write that, I know that I'll take the test in Casper in June if I don't take it in Seoul in Feb.  I think I want it too much to feel like I'm half-assing it... and right now I feel like I'm half-assing everything except my friendships.  I also feel like the work bitch because I haven't really tried reaching out to the new people... but I get the feeling that since I'm leaving we all have reached the 'why bother' conclusion.

Tuesday

It's been better today.  I was able to chat with Mo this morning, and even without having coffee it was nice to catch up.  I told her about thinking of postponing the test and she said to go ahead and do what studying I can, but if I don't feel prepared, then wait until June.  I think that's going to be what I end up doing.  I find myself being resigned to life for the next 2.5 months.  It's going to be crazy with Corona and all, it'll be lonely at times, but I will survive.  Knowing that I have wonderful friends and family to come home to makes ALL the difference to me.  I may be far away, but I'm still loved and missed.  Christmas is on track to be a lazy day of Pj's, movies, snacks, and booze, which is quite frankly how I like it to be anyway.  

Some thoughts from a BBC article - "... deliberately reframing your thoughts, to put your troubles in perspective, can itself restore a sense of personal autonomy, even when the stress itself is impossible to evade... Her findings, and Anicich’s general advice, both recall the Stoic philosphy - originating in Ancient Greece - of separating what is within your power, from what is not, and then looking for ways to reinterpret the situation. Although we can’t control the world, we are able to change our reaction to it."   I'm working on this.  Easier said than done, methinks.

J and A came over tonight to say goodbye and exchange gifts.  It was one of those moments where lot wasn't said, because it didn't need to be.  She's given me a week to mope and a journal with some of our best memories in it.  I shall treasure it.  We didn't actually cry together, though it was a close thing.  I wish her all the best, and I'm sure we shall be together again... someday.  We also talked about having a zoom or WhatsApp date to watch The Holiday.  Hehe.

Wednesday

J is gone.  Good luck to her, and thank God for digital communication.  I will continue my book-by-book countdown until my contract is over and I can come home.  I'll still have a good time with my remaining days in Korea, but I'm done trying to make friends and influence people.  I'm focusing on surviving my job, my mental health, and losing those last 8-7 lbs before March.  I see longer fasts in my future now that Wednesdays are not longer date nights.  I got this... remote emotional support is better than no emotional support at all.  I'm also coming home to those who love me, so I'm a rich woman.  

Much love and hugs, here's to the last 2 and half books before I leave ;)