I got them Zoom Blues

 Please allow me to share my exhaustion - my down-in-the-bone weariness - that I am attempting to contend with.  For it's been a long year of uncertainty, disruption of day-to-day life, attempting to see the good, and holding on to what we can.  I have reached the point where I am totally, completely, and 100% burned out from Zoom.  It's the newest thing about 2020 apparently - Zoom fatigue.  I read an article on the BBC about it, and I was talking to one of my other teacher friends, K, about it.  Here's the exchange: Me:... I'm sooo done with this crap... sigh.  K: so am I and so are my kids xD they are fed up with it.  One of them said "Teacher, seriously... I hate Zoom.  Just... UGH!"  I don't know how to explain the way that being online in classes for 5 hours just sucks away all of your energy.  

"Don't die, ok?" - C, my co-teacher.  Apparently on Wednesday after classes I looked how I felt.  S came in and asked "What's wrong?" thinking that there had been an incident to make me sad.  Kinda, the computer I was using had frozen, so I had to leave my virtual classroom and then come back, this causes issues with the chat function so the kids were unable to just send me the answers to their quiz.  I tried explaining that they just needed to close out the chat box and re-open it, but they didn't understand.  So 2 of my kids tried to explain in Korean, and they still didn't understand.  One kid went "It's frustrating when I try to explain, but no one understands."  I responded with "Welcome to being a teacher." Then my sassy student pipes up with "That doesn't seem like a good welcome."  Don't get me wrong, I love that class.  They are smart, sassy, and they seem to understand that Teacher can be a little sarcastic.  They even let me be human and make mistakes and get stressed out.  It's a good class.  It was just another hiccup in a week full of hiccups and helped to give me a headache.  I will never understand why "Show me your hands when you are ready to move on." is a concept that some kids just DON'T get.  They always want to say "finish" thinking I know which of the little faces on the screen said that... sigh.

That being said, I am also tired of seeing my kids playing with their cameras, obviously watching something else while in class, not paying attention, having to be called on multiple times, getting help from someone off camera (yes, I can hear you whispering, Mom), refusing to say anything (ever), and not sending in their work.  For all that I'm not a real teacher, I am enough of a professional to want my students to succeed and the level of indifference that you get from being online is STAGGERING.  At least in class you can make sure they get their work done, bribe them to turn in their writing, make things a little more interesting and fun, play up being a weirdo... I guess what I'm saying is when you're in class it's easier to reach a student, but when you are online it's impossible.  Some of my favorite students in class are some of my least favorites online, and vise-versa.  How is it that a student who seems like he has no clue what is going on in class suddenly is following every direction and understanding everything happening online?!  And I get that I'm a stickler for people raising their hands, but online I have to because otherwise I HAVE NO CLUE WHO IS TALKING!!!  How can I know who to help if I don't know who has a question?!  Some kids are just hard to hear, so I ask them to repeat themselves which makes them all shy so they change their answer, get it wrong, another kid gets it right, and original kid gets insulted because they were right the first time but I couldn't hear them.  Try to explain to said kid, expect angry call from Mom later... needles in the eyes, people, needles in the eyes.  Oh and losing a favorite student and being unable to say goodbye - that also sucks.

Coming in Jan, we are going to add Kinders to this Zoom-stew.  We had an orientation with them on Tues and my Korean co-teacher was with me in the class.  She told me afterwards that she could hear the students telling their moms "I can't understand what she's saying."  So yeah, that's going to be a fun hour on Tues and Thurs moving forward.  I can be honest here, I want to cry every time I think about having those poor kids staring at a computer screen hearing me talk at them and trying to figure out what I'm saying.  I may also lose my hair doing this because I KNOW I'm going to get frustrated - not at the kids, but at the situation - and I can't think of a DAMN thing to do to make it better for any of us.  In class I could be crazy teacher speaking gibberish at them when speak Korean to me - online... what the hell am I gonna do online?  So yeah, 15 classes of that until I leave.  Frankly, I'm not banking on the kids coming back from now until I leave in March... call me a pessimist if you will, but this latest surge of the 'vid has officially gotten me DOWN.

"You look beat." - J, via video call.  I am stressed.  I know that I am stressed.  There is so much happening, so much uncertainty, so much I can't control and it's overwhelming.  I'm nervous about buying my plane ticket home (J had some bad luck with cancellations and it's freaking me out), it seems like we are going to do our immersion program online, so that's another 3 hours a day looking at a computer screen, I don't feel like going much of anywhere due to the whole Covid thing, and yet I feel like a bitch for not feeling up to being more welcoming and helpful to the new people.  Saying "I am TIRED" doesn't really convey the down-in-the-bones-and-soul weariness that I'm feeling.  She understands, at least, and I know that having a countdown until I come home isn't really helping my mood/ability to soldier on.  I can get thru the next 2 months, really I can, it's just going to be a bit of a roller coaster.  I will never take in-person classes for granted again.  

Manifestations of the stress - I've become a nervous scratcher.  I have been really good at remembering to put lotion on my legs, so they are not dry and have no reason to be itchy.  However, they feel itchy and then I scratch them and I just... keep... scratching.  I'm trying to keep from doing it too much because, you know, that's how you get infections and stuff.  Knowing that it's a psychosomatic manifestation of stress doesn't really help cuz I wants the dopamine or serotonin, or whatever neurotransmitter I'm getting from the behavior.  Then there is my face.  I can't control the RBF - you know how bad I must be feeling when half my face is under my mask and yet 2 co-workers can just TELL?!  Both male, BTW, a gender that is usually quite clueless to feelings and such (I'm generalizing, I know, but in case you can't tell, this is not a PC blog).  Of course, of my co-workers, those are the 2 I have the most interactions with since J left, so there is that, I guess.  Oh, I also ended up with a beautiful fever blister on my lip, so that's why you don't get any cute selfies this time.  Damn thing was HUGE and PAINFUL - tho it's healing now.  We are officially at the scabbed and actually healing stage as opposed to the crusty and nasty healing stage.  

It's also cold.  Like, proper cold.  Like it was 12 degrees F (-11 C) on my way home last night.  S and I walked, and by the time I got in, my fingers were quite stiff.  S said his were blue (yes, we were both wearing gloves).  Perhaps taking the bus when it's this cold isn't the worst idea in the world... depending on how long I have to wait, that is.

You can't really tell, but there are flakes falling in that pic.

I don't want to end this on a zoom-weary, stressed out, cold as WY note, so let me share something good.  I've been looking back at where I was emotionally, and spiritually last year at this time - before the 'vid.  Even with everything happening, all the crap and craziness of the year, I'm in a MUCH better place than I was 12 months ago.  I've done a lot of healing in the past year... a LOT of healing... and I'm so grateful that I'm not as hurt as I was.  I saw something online that said "I thought I was broken and needed fixing.  Not true!  I was hurt and needed healing, a totally different concept."  I think about that a lot.  I was hurt, and I did need healing, and I'm happy to say that the healing was finally able to start.  Once I admitted that I was hurt, that is.  I really can't lie to anyone but myself... sigh.  So for all the other crap that is happening right now, there is that bit of light.  

Thank you for letting me share all this with you.  I will be ok, I will get thru this, it's just gonna be a bit of a rocky road for a while.  Mom reminded me that I have 10 weeks... I'm going to buy my plane ticket in January, then pray that no flights get canceled.  If I have to have a layover, it'll be in the US... just get me into the country and I can take it from there!!  MUAH!  :*  Happy New Year to all, looking forward to seeing you in 2021, and remember to yell "Jumanji" at 11:59 tonight to make sure the game ends. ;)