A better place

I know that I haven't been posting much in the way of updates lately, and that's mostly because there isn't much to report.  Online teaching is what it is, it's cold, and there isn't much happening in my personal life.  Well, there's some things, but nothing really to share.  However, I have gotten pensive in reflecting on how far my mental health journey has taken me in the past year.  Before we get into that, here's some pictures from our last snow fall.

It was another winter wonderland type of snow.  Big, fluffy flakes gently coming down.

Snow in the time of Corona.

My favorite tree got a little white.

I think my biggest take away from the last year has been how important it is to be honest with myself.  I wasn't able to heal because I kept telling myself that I wasn't hurt.  Starting to date again was... brutal.  I was forced to really look at how I interacted with the opposite sex, face some of the reasons why I thought the way I did, and realize that if I continued to do what I've always done (recluse and resign myself to a lonely existence) I would never really grow.  The circumstances that led to this were... harsh.  A lot of shattered illusions and heartache.  I thought I was broken, but really I was hurting.  I ended up torn down to the very heart of my wounds before I was able to start actually healing.  I think unwrapping all of that ended up hurting worse than the original wounds had been.  I can't say for sure since I was denying so much anyway, but I think it's fair to say.  

Now I know that it's important to know and admit to what I want.  I want a relationship that eventually leads to marriage.  I want a man who will be my partner.  I want someone who is willing to work with me and grow with me.  I also know that I need to be honest with potential partners about this.  In my interactions since my breakdown, I've been honest from the get-go.  Sometimes it has worked out, sometimes it hasn't.  But by being honest with both myself and potential suitors, I've been able to nix those interactions that left me hurt in the past.  I'm better at saying "no."  I've become better at letting go of those interactions that just wouldn't work out, for whatever reason.  Learning how to set my boundaries and making sure that they were respected has been quite an experiment for me, and it's been super rewarding.  If the boundaries are not respected, I no longer need to be available in the (naive) hope that other ones will.  Red flags are no longer a "well, maybe I'm reading too much into this."  Now they are "I don't need to second-guess myself, I will move on."  Having that ability has made a world of difference.  On the one hand, I had felt stupid that it took me this long to get to this point, on the other hand I'm glad it didn't take longer.  I haven't done the online dating thing for months, simply because I decided it didn't make much sense, but I do still talk to a couple of the guys that I met and I've enjoyed our conversations.

As time passes, I am also super grateful that I haven't relapsed into the dark place that I was in before.  Certain factors that led me there haven't exactly changed, but my reactions to them have.  Less internalizing and more resignation to "it is what it is" has helped.  I still find myself wanting to take things personally, but I'm better at recognizing that and nixing it before I can go all the way down the spiral.

I am also grateful to my friends and family back home who have been amazingly supportive, willing to set up phone dates, and randomly check in to make sure all is well.  It's really easy to feel 100% alone when you're on the other side of the world, and having that core of people who love you and make you remember how loved you are is... life saving.  Thank God for technology that keeps us connected.  I also thank God for my "tribe" - my forever friends.  You all mean the world to me, and I hope that you know that.  Thank you for being there for me, and thank you for not giving up on me.

So again, not much of an update but a celebration of my progress.  No one ever warned me that healing HURTS.  It's a non-linear shit show.  It's messy and painful.  It's also rewarding, empowering, and necessary to break the habits that keep you wounded.  I'm sorry that it was also messy for others, and I will always regret any harm or pain I inadvertently caused them.  I'm grateful for Better Help and my therapist for offering a space where I could work through things.  I'm in SUCH a better place now, and I'm grateful for all that I had to go thru to get here.  Going home is going to be a bit of a challenge, I know.  I've read about reverse culture shock, and the state of the world/US is... well we all know it's insane.   We shall see what the future holds... at least my past doesn't have the grip it once did.

I'm not quite sure how to end this... lotta reality coming through there.  I have seven weeks to go, immersion starts next week so I see exhaustion in my future, I'm planning on cooking more so that I can use up some of the spices and stuff in my apt, and thank God for Salady cuz it's nice to have healthy food that I don't have to make.  The mashed sweet potato on a salad is a little weird, but darn tasty!  Hehe.  MUAH!  :*  Much love from Korea!