I don't know if there is an official term for how I've been feeling lately (think about 2-3 months), but 'passively suicidal' is what I've come up with. My definition: no plan in place, no INTENTION of harming oneself; however, a tendency toward the possibility of unintentional harm. Kind of like: speeding on a wet, windy road. The person knows they can lose it and die any time, yet they continue to do what they are doing because they actually LONG to die. That's where I've been. I don't think it really has anything to do with Korea, because I've had these self-destructive tendencies my entire life. So no, I don't need to midnight run and come home because a change in geography won't really help much. Also yes, for those who love me back home - I know it sucks to read these words - trust me, it sucks to write them. I've been feeling this crushing weight of inadequacy, loneliness, feeling like I'm not enough for anyone or anything, restlessness but with no direction, I don't even want to start applying for jobs or anything back home because I don't think I'm good enough for anything. I also remember the soul-crushing process of applying in the States before I got here and... I'm just not strong enough for that right now.
I talked to J here, and to my friend T back home about some of what I've been trying to process and then a friend here, M, posted on FB about a service that she's been using to deal with things. I followed the link, filled out the questionnaire, was matched to a counselor, and have been messaging her since. After all that, I thought about checking out the reviews online, and they seem really, really good. The service is Better Help, if you're interested. My counselor said that she takes an intellectual over an emotional approach - or I/E vs E/I. As you all know, I'm AWESOME at emotions (dripping sarcasm) so I figure this is a good match. We have a live session scheduled for Wednesday AM - Ash Wednesday... coincidence? Probably not. So this year for Lent I will be talking about my issues with someone who knows I'm religious, Catholic specifically, and I will also be giving up my toxic 'coping' mechanism - drinking.
On the one hand, I hate that I have to admit that I need help. On the other hand, I've come to realize that some wounds run too deep for one person to deal with on their own. If I really want to break the cycle, I HAVE to try something different. I've carried certain things on my own for too long (no, I'm not going into details - that's why we have things like HIPAA and frankly, some of this stuff I don't want to admit to myself) and I need help to let them go. I'm really sorry it's taken me this long, and I apologize for any hurt I've caused along the way. When I don't see myself as someone worth being around, it's hard for me to imagine that others feel differently. Something else that I have learned is that people can inadvertently manage to hit every single one of my insecurities and leave me feeling about as worthwhile as a piece of fools' gold. It's not really their fault, they don't know what they are doing, but I'm left with the aftermath and sucked down deeper into my hole of self-loathing, misery and anger. I've taken a passive approach to my brokenness - a 'God can fix me when and if he wants to' approach, and that was a mistake. I'm going to take an active approach from now on - a 'God put people like counselors on the Earth for a reason, and I'm going to utilize these resources to get better' kind of approach.
I do want to show you a picture from the day that, for me, will be known as the day of catharsis:
I don't 'look' depressed, do I? And yet, my actions turned a good day with friends into a nightmare. I can't take it back and I can't make it right, all I can do is try to get better and be better.
For the last week, I've had FFDP's "My Own Hell" and Hollywood Undead's "The Diary" stuck in my head. Neither are happy songs - both deal with depression. However, knowing that others have felt the same way also helps me. Also, knowing that Ivan Moody, James Hetfield, etc, have even gone to rehab to get help to deal with their demons gives me hope in dealing with mine.
If you are wondering why I haven't reached out to more of my friends or gone into more detail here, the answer is simple. I don't want all of you to know the darkness that I carry. I've talked to C a bit about this - and perhaps I'm selfish in that I see this as MY burden, not yours. I don't want you to have to carry this part of me, too. That's why I've finally decided to reach out to someone with the training and who gets paid to help me through this. I don't want to carry this anymore, I'm ready to let go of this emotional ball of razor wire that is turning me into a mass of emotional scar tissue. As both C and my counselor told me, "It's time."
So that's the biggest update that I need to bring you up to speed on. It's also why you only got one blog post this week - I wanted to be careful how I worded this because I didn't want some of you to be worried or buy me a plane ticket home halfway through the post. These are long-standing issues that I'm going to be dealing with and the only thing that Korea did was show me just how deeply rooted they are. I'm still going to be here for the next year, I'm going to work through most of these (I'd say all, but frankly I don't think anyone works through ALL their issues), and I'm going to be a better version of me when I come home. I'm also going to set a goal for applying for jobs back home, so that when I do come back in 2021 I won't be totally starting from scratch again.
Much love to all of you, thank you for being a light in my darkness. :* MUAH!
Bravo!
ReplyDeleteLove you hon. We're all behind you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Mandi, BIG HUGS. You are one of THE Best people Ive met on this planet. Im So Glad youve found something to help you heal. Prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh my girl...I wish so ardently that you could see you as I do. You know you have all my love and support.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing I will keep you in my prayers always have I love you so much 🥰
ReplyDeleteMelissa Zoller here
DeleteThank you, Melissa. I love you too!!
DeleteI believe many of us if not all of us have felt the same at some point in their lives. Some of us more than once. A former US President got elected with the phrase..."I feel your pain" Who was this? Bill Clinton. It is the need to be satisfied, improve ourselves and find ways to be fulfilled. Or as some erroneously believe, to be satisfied by another. You must find your own answer. I think this can be described as searching for the answer of "What's the point of life?" There are many old sayings that deal with moments like these. Such as... There is a silver lining in every dark cloud, Stop and smell the roses, Live for today, plan for tomorrow. Are three old sayings that quickly come to mind and there are hundreds of others that have been written and passed along for generations. What are they telling us is the key to getting through life in general. Find something special in every day. Find understanding in what made that moment good no matter how simple it was. Furthermore plan on putting yourself in a position or location of finding something special, or beautiful for tomorrow, next week or next month. create a short term action plan or write out a longer term a mission statement. You must also realize that the future is uncertain and holds no promise and no guarantees . Beyond today we can only have a short term plan that leads towards our ultimate goal. Beyond the immediate future, it is only a dream and even a dream can easily become a nightmare. Even in the darkest of nightmares, beauty can be found, a silver lining in the storm cloud so to speak. The best moments will be found where you least expect them to be found, and never along a path of self destruction. They can be found with friends, family or even a stranger, on the street, in the bus or train or while alone. Try to at least limit alone time unless it is in the outdoors in my opinion. For me the best alone time was sitting along a riverbank watching the water flow or beside a camp fire watching the flames dance. As your days are enriched with finding those special moments and things of beauty, ones appreciation of living becomes a part of you and gives your life a meaning, It gives you a aura or glow that can be felt and seen by others that gives you an edge in that next job interview or picked up by a potential soul mate and in reality, It just makes you feel better about yourself. In summary it ends up giving you a purpose.
ReplyDelete"The best moments will be found where you least expect them to be found, and never along a path of self destruction." That's a powerful quote, and one that I will be taking with me from now on. I'm looking forward to when I can see those moments again, once I'm off this path. I was able to enjoy those moments in the days before... I'm sure I will be again. Thank you for your words of wisdom and for being a light in my life.
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ReplyDeleteAdding to the above, a mistake I often made during the times I was going through a few rough spots was to listen to music or surrounded myself with defeatists. Friends and others who mean well, that negatively support, or claim to understand your current depression by describing their own depression are not the best people to be around at this point. Another old saying that is somewhat applicable here is "Feed a Fever, Starve a Cold". Surround yourself with happy people, not drunks of course. A smile, laughter and confidence is contagious when going through rough times. Another saying, "Suck it Up Buttercup" you have the power to make it better.
DeleteThe funny thing is that I keep on thinking of Hatebreed lyrics - they are one of the most positive bands I listen to. (They actually have a song called 'defeatist' - "a promise to myself to never be my own defeatist.") So some I'm listening to because their pain matches mine, others are a message of hope - that this is not all there is. I have found that many people, in trying to relate, end up talking about themselves a lot. It's human nature, I suspect. I know that I have the power to make it better, I'm hoping that talking to someone will help me to find the ways to do that. I've stalled, Rex, I feel like I've done all I can on my own and doing this will help me to get free of my web. I'm overdue for an emotional clean-out... I can't keep on doing what I've always done or I'll always get what I've always got and I'll end up right back where I am in a few months.
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